


Shame Is Your Name

by anemic_cinema



Series: World's End Boyfriend [5]
Category: Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Racism, Sexual Fantasy, self hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-10
Packaged: 2017-12-29 00:43:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anemic_cinema/pseuds/anemic_cinema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU: No queers after the zombie apocalypse? I don't think so. Daryl has a hard time dealing with his crush on Glenn, Glenn isn't sure he can really trust Daryl. TW: mention of racial slur.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shame Is Your Name

Ever since the incident with the hat, Daryl found it impossible to masturbate without thinking of Glenn. He tried to focus on any of the women in the camp, but it simply didn't work. His mind always turned back to the younger man. It didn't help that he interacted with Glenn more with each passing day. Sometimes it was just a nod of acknowledgement at a meal. Other times, which Daryl found himself looking forward to, they ended up sitting on watch together and talking.

The conversations were a little awkward, as Daryl was not the greatest conversationalist, but Glenn always had something to talk about. He told Daryl about living in Michigan, about his family, about how he moved down to Atlanta by himself in a rental van and had gotten hopelessly lost three times during that one trip. Glenn didn't tell him about how when he was 17 he had been desperately infatuated with the captain of his school's volleyball team. How he had consequently gone to every game they'd played until he realized that the other boy was straight, and would never notice a dorky gay Korean boy even if he wasn't. He didn't tell him how much he'd fallen in love with Atlanta because he felt like he could be himself there, and not what his parents wanted him to be. 

Daryl occasionally volunteered bits of information about himself in kind. He told Glenn about how after a night of heavy drinking he'd woken up with a tooth that was not his own embedded in his hand, the result of a bar fight that Merle had started and he'd gotten dragged into. He told him stories of times he'd gotten lost in the woods while hunting. He didn't tell him just how happy he'd been the day his dad died. How he'd gotten blackout drunk with Merle in celebration, how they'd both stumbled to the cemetery from the bar, and pissed on the freshly filled grave. He didn't tell him about how, deep down, he hated Merle for all the shit he'd put him through and for all the times he hadn't been there for him. But at the same time the thought of not having his brother around terrified him, because he didn't have anyone else.

Daryl never had many friends. He'd always stuck close to Merle, and Merle's friends became his friends by default. Most of them he'd never particularly liked. They were loud, brash, and obnoxious, just like his brother. He liked Glenn though. He didn't yell at him, didn't expect anything of him, and, most importantly, was patient with him. When Daryl took a while to answer a question, he didn't sneer and roll his eyes like he was stupid. Glenn would tell him off when he said racist shit, but Daryl kinda appreciated it because he figured that other man cared about him enough to tell him when he was being a fuckhead. And he was trying, really trying, not to be like that even though he'd grown up thinking it was the only way to behave. 

There was a part of Daryl that wasn't entirely honest though. He didn't just like Glenn because of how nice he was to him. If that was the case, he wouldn't be fantasizing about him every time he jerked off. He couldn't think of anything about Glenn that he didn't like. He liked his smile, the way his hair looked when he'd take off his baseball cap and run his hands through it. He liked watching him move around the camp, especially when he bent down to drop off firewood. Hell, he'd even started to like the way he was so quick to help out anyone who needed help.

Daryl had had crushes on men before, but shame and guilt usually did quick work of drowning out any pleasant feelings. This time was different though. The bad feelings were there, but they were becoming muffled, like sound underwater. The shame didn't feel so cloying and suffocating. Maybe because he had nothing to lose at this point. Or, maybe, trying to survive the end of the world made being attracted to another man not so scary.   
*******

Andrea was on first watch that night, and it was Daryl's turn to relieve her. He liked night watch, as he didn't get much sleep anyways. When he got to the RV, he could hear that she wasn't alone. He recognized the voices as belonging to Amy and Glenn. They were sitting up there with her, talking quietly and occasionally laughing, trying very hard not to disturb the others in the camp that were sleeping, or at least pretending to. He caught the tail end of the conversation.

“So wait, how the hell did you meet him anyway.” Amy was speaking.

“You're gonna judge the hell out of me if I tell you!” That was Glenn. He could recognize the younger man's voice anywhere. 

“Shut up I won't you loser!”

“Ok, fine...I found him on the personals section of Craigslist.”

As Glenn said it, Daryl had just climbed up to the top of the RV, and the three were laughing, covering their mouths trying to muffle the sound. Amy was doubled over, her face turning pink. When Glenn saw Daryl he quieted down, looking embarrassed.

“Hey Daryl,” Andrea said as she fought back a laugh, “right on time, I need to get away from these two. They're out of control.”

She hauled herself up from the lawn chair, shaking her head. 

“I dunno 'bout you two, but I'm going to bed.” Under her breath Daryl caught her saying “Fuckin' Craigslist oh my god.”

Daryl watched her leave with no small amount of confusion, then looked at the other two. He had the distinct feeling that something had just went over his head. He sat down on the chair, laying his crossbow in his lap. “What the hell are y'all laughing about anyways?” It came out a lot more gruff than he had intended. Amy shook her head in response. “Aw, nothing important, Glenn was just telling us a, uh, funny story. I'm gonna head off too, seeya later Glenn” She hugged Glenn and Daryl felt a twinge that felt a little to close to jealousy for comfort. “Seeya Daryl.” He nodded in response, giving a small wave.

Glenn didn't leave. The expression on his face was apprehensive, as if he was working something out in his head. He sat there, not speaking, and looking out over the camp. The main fire was still going strong, and was casting a glow that reached even the RV. Normally he'd be striking up a conversation, chattering away, and the lack of it felt heavy. Daryl didn't like this silence. It wasn't the silence of two people comfortable enough with each other not to say anything. It was the silence of one person being too anxious to speak. He forced himself to be the first one to say something. 

“I was thinking of heading west of the camp tomorrow, see what I can find there. I think I recall passin' a farmhouse with a cornfield. Maybe it's the eating kind, not the livestock kind. Could bring some back if it is.” 

Glenn nodded, “Sounds like a plan.”

Daryl wondered if this is how people felt talking to him, trying to drag out responses. Christ it was difficult.

“You should come along. Yer good at that kinda thing. Yaknow...sneaking around and shit.”

As soon as the words left his mouth he was kicking himself. This was the stupidest thing he'd ever thought of. Being alone with Glenn for more than a few moments was going to be torture. It was just going to give him multiple chances to make a fool out of himself and come off as an asshole. 

Glenn's face brightened at the invitation. “Yeah, that sounds awesome...better than heading into Atlanta anyways. Last time I went there for supplies there were way more geeks than usual. They're starting to spread out.”

Daryl nodded, “Alright, it's not very far so we can leave around noon.”

“Ok, I'm on firewood duty tomorrow morning so that works out perfectly.”

There was another moment of silence, more comfortable than the previous one. 

“So...what was the story you were telling Andrea and Amy?”

“Huh? Oh...just some stupid crap about someone I-uh- bought a sofa off of on Craigslist.” 

“Oh.”

It was a lie, but Glenn was not comfortable enough with the older man to tell him that he once hooked up with a guy he found in the personals on Craigslist. Daryl didn't seem like the kind of guy that would beat the shit out of him for being gay, but his brother sure did. And with his luck, anything he told Daryl would get back to Merle. 

Honestly, the more he was around Daryl, the more he was convinced the taciturn redneck might not be straight. There was the hat incident, and he could swear that the older man checked him out when he thought he wasn't paying attention. While he wasn't the type of guy he'd usually go for, he was a pretty damn good looking person despite the filth and scruff. He was still a racist ass most of the time, but he seemed to be improving a little, which he recognized as no small feat for someone like Daryl. He didn't call him “chinaman” quite so often, and when Merle got in T-Dog's face he always dragged him off before things got too heated. Experience had taught him to be cautious though. Most men got crazy over that kind of shit. They always assumed that just because you were gay you were immediately gonna try to fuck them, because that totally made sense. Glenn always though that it was hilarious and kinda pathetic. 

“It wasn't that funny, but Amy' ll laugh at just about anything.” As a cover it was feeble, but Glenn was never very good at lying.

“”Parently.” Daryl knew that he wasn't being told the truth, but didn't want to press it. He could see how uncomfortable the younger man was getting over it. 

The glow of the fire bathed the camp, and they sat, in relative comfort, talking in short bursts to each other.

*******

The sun was starting to rise when Dale climbed up the RV to relieve Daryl. “You can knock off now, I've got it” he said, gently nudging him. It wasn't a moment too soon, because the hunter could feel his eyes closing despite his best efforts to stay awake. He stumbled down to the ground, and made his way back to his tent. He was desperate for some sleep for once, and wanted to have his wits about him for the expedition with Glenn later on. Merle wasn't up yet, he could hear loud snoring coming from his own tent. Daryl barely had the wherewithal to kick off his boots before he sprawled out on his back. It was amazing how even a sleeping bag on top of lumpy ground could feel so good. 

He forced himself to lift his hips so he could take off his pants. Kicking them aside, he stretched out his legs, enjoying the fresh morning air. It had been an unseasonably chilly night, and it was still cool enough to raise a few goosebumps on his thighs. Ever since he was a child, he had loved the sensation of the early morning air on his skin. The kind that was cool and a little wet with dew, and felt like an embrace. Even though he was exhausted, he wanted to blow off a little steam before passing out. He was gonna be anxious enough being along around Glenn, the last thing he wanted was to get accidentally hard around him. Better to get it out of the way now than risk it.

Gently cupping his cock through his tattered underwear, he conjured up one of his favorite fantasies. Glenn, on his lap, petting his chest and cooing gentle words like “so strong” and “perfect.” Daryl's free hand ran up under his shirt and stroked his own torso up and down. If he concentrated hard enough, he could pretend it was the younger man's hand. He teased his cock through the fabric of the underwear for awhile, imagining the friction was from Glenn's sweet ass grinding against him. He liked that image. He wanted it to last though, so he kept rubbing himself with a light touch and kept thinking of Glenn. Of him taking his clothes off, slowly, still straddling him, and still grinding. From the way he saw the kid move around the camp, he bet those hips and that ass of his were made for it. 

When Glenn in his fantasy was completely naked, that's when he pulled his underwear back to let his cock free. The morning air felt incredible on his hot skin. Daryl spit into his hand, and spread the saliva over his cock. It was more comfortable that way, and it made it easier to imagine Glenn licking and sucking him off. That was his favorite, the idea of those soft-looking lips on him, of his tongue running up and down the length of his cock. He imagined Glenn looking up at him, his pretty brown eyes full of tenderness as he sucked him. In the fantasy Daryl had created he was never rough with him. The kid looked so damn sweet, he didn't think he could bring himself to do anything like hold his head down and fuck his cute mouth. No, he'd let him take his time, and just lay there, taking whatever Glenn wanted to do to him. Daryl rubbed his thumb over the head of his cock, and pictured Glenn flicking his tongue over it. The image was so damn hot that he could feel his orgasm start to build just from that. 

He gritted his teeth, pressing his lips together to choke out any sounds that might slip out. The last time he'd gotten off he'd accidentally moaned out Glenn's name. It had been quiet, and he was in the woods, far away from everyone when it happened, but it had taken him by surprise. He'd never done that before. The few times he'd been with women, he'd always been quiet while they fucked. With women he had to constantly focus on them, and not let his mind drift to what he really wanted and wished he could have. 

He stroked himself faster, completely surrendering to the tension of being at the brink. His thoughts were less focused, more abstract, but still of Glenn. Thoughts of his mouth, his body, his hands, his smile, all jumbled together as he came, holding his breath. His hand clasped over the head of his cock, cum spilling out between this fingers, leaving them dripping and sticky. Gasping for air, he milked out every drop he could until he was dry. Spent, he fumbled around and found a dirty shirt and cleaned himself off. He definitely would not be giving it to Carol for washing up. 

Carefully pulling his underwear back up, he rolled over onto his side, trying to keep away the bad feelings that always came afterwards. He imagined Glenn holding him, cuddled up to him, nuzzling his neck, slowly stroking his arm. It almost drowned out the voice inside his head that reminded him how much of a pathetic idiot he was, and how no one, especially not Glenn, could ever want him because he was the stupidest redneck motherfucker left on the planet. It helped him ignore the churning in his stomach caused by the shame of being so attracted to another man, of liking Glenn so goddamn much it hurt. Glenn, who would never touch him, never whisper sweet words to him, never kiss him, and definitely never hold him. He curled up on his sleeping bag, unconsciously stroking his own arm, and fell into merciful dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from the Austra song "Shoot The Water," which is high up on the list of my "songs relevant to Daryl and Glenn's relationship in this AU." Seriously, listen to it, it's incredible.


End file.
